Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
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ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems