girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
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All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.