JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
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Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen