One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
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I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.