Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
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Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Holy crap this is wonderful
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”