What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
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Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]