My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
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just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.