I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
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Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.