If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
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Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Um … Hot Wings please
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.