[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
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*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Tastes like chicken.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.