Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
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For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
how much for the angry fruit?
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.