Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
You Might Also Like
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Phones down.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
The A string on my guit_r is flat