Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
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I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
emergency phone
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that