WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
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Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
mechanics be like
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.