Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
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Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
just having fun
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God