My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
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The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
#Caturday