i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
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I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Sell your car
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.