Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
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its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.