I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
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It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Liquor Store Parking
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.