8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
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“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck