*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
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My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
When he asks for feet pics
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles