A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
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Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.