My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
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2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
X-tra spooky blend
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
This has made my week.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her