I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
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ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.