[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
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The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
5 ways to appear taller
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.