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“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Muppet Screams
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay