If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
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god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.