Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
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“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
WTF
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.