Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
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her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Therapist: So you鈥檙e sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Mom鈥檚 out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I鈥檓 totally failing parenting
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I鈥檓 going to wait another 5 years for when I鈥檝e got several billion more
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it鈥檚 lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn鈥檛 latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y鈥檃ll 馃檲
You didn鈥檛 hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on