I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
You Might Also Like
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.