Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
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The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*