Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
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I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Running from your problems is cardio .
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”