so this horse walks into a bar
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Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.