I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
You Might Also Like
Remember folks 😂
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!