Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
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Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
*orders delivery*
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.