knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
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[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
🥶🥶🐶🐶
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.