So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
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Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car