No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
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Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.