My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
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If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Breaking news:
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning