Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
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Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.