me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
You Might Also Like
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Hello, my name is Pierre.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
i really liked this one
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.