what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
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I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.