[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
War & Peace
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
mom gave me mine for free
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Going to church you guys need anything
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.