you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
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I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
ugh not again
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
haha same
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.