Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
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I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Trying
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Sorry I made promises on Friday
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I’m going to need a moment here.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger