I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
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hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
😂 amazing answer
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers