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The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click