Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
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Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
My safe word is Worcestershire
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.