I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
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“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Never share a secret with a clock.
Because Time will tell.
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Who needs an Air Fryer?
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.