life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
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If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Lmfaoooooo
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.